Lessons from My Father

My dad passed away on the first Sunday of the new year. He had been going through various stages of ill health for some time, but still when the end came, it was sudden and shocking. I suppose you are never really ready for that kind of news.

My father was an interesting, honorable, kind man who had to face some very difficult times. For the first 18 years of my life we were a traditional, close family and he, as a successful business owner, gave us all the love and support we could want. There were some great times then.

Then came the difficult times. His marriage to my mother ended in divorce (something almost unheard of in Ismaili culture then) and he took the break-up hard. His business collapsed and he suddenly found himself, this proud family man who had worked so hard, without the resources to support himself.

That's when I decided it was my turn to take care of him. We lived together from then on and when I moved to Canada and got married, my wife Shahinool "adopted" him as her father too and he lived with us for 25 years. Looking back now, I am so grateful for those times, as we got to stay close, and he got to be a part of my new family and watch the children grow.

Eventually, when Shahinool became ill, it became apparent that she wouldn't be able provide the attention he needed, and she didn't want him to have to deal with her declining health. My sister Nevin, who is an absolute angel in her own right, stepped in. While Shahinool and I went to Arizona for her treatment and eventually moved there with our sons, she became the leader in looking after dad. That was 13 years ago. Five years later, he moved to a home, then a couple of years ago to a 24-hour care home. His health started to deteriorate but he didn't complain. In fact, whenever I got home to Vancouver for a visit he was always happy. Just like old times.
I know this not the sort of thing we usually talk about in this space, but I hope you will indulge me, as I felt the need to share these thoughts about my father. And as it turns out, as I reflect on his life and his attitude toward it, I realize there are some principles there that I really want to share with each one of you.

My father, like all good fathers, taught by example. It was an example that could be summed up in three rules:

1. Nurture a capacity for forgiveness. Considering the things he went through, and some of the unfair turns life took for him, he had as much reason as anyone to be angry or bitter. He never was. And he always reminded us that life was too short to hold grudges.


2. Be happy. On one of my visits to him in the home, a nurse with an accent asked him, "Are you sick?" His response was, "Sikh? No, I'm Ismaili." Then he laughed heartily at his own joke. It was the kind of playfulness he was known for throughout his life. Even as he grew weaker and frailer, his sense of humor was always strong. In fact, my niece, Natasha, only called him "Funny Man."


3. Be content with what you have. One time, Nevin and I decided to surprise Dad. We took his old clothes, put them in a box for recycling, and stocked his closet with a fine new wardrobe. He was thankful, but the next time we came to visit, we found that he had retrieved his old shirts and pants from the box and bundled up the new stuff we had given him. "Give them to someone who really needs them," he said. "I'm happy with what I have."

He hated waste, and he understood that you really didn't need that much beyond the love of family to feel content. On that Sunday night, Dad went to sleep as usual. He never woke up. As much as I am sad that I didn't get one more visit in before he passed, I take consolation in knowing he went to bed that night as content as he ever was. My father died a happy man, and for that I am grateful.

As I write this, I am in Vancouver with family. We stayed up late the night I arrived, mourning, laughing, praying, and remembering.

Let me just honor my father by asking all you fathers out there—and mothers, and sons and daughters and brothers and sisters— to always keep your loved ones close to heart. Put aside any petty differences and forgive. Smile and laugh together. And even as you strive to improve and create greater success, learn to cultivate the joy and serenity that comes with truly appreciating the abundance you already enjoy.

These are the things my father taught me through the example he set, and I know they will continue to inspire me forever. I wish I had had the chance to say it one more time in person, but I will say it here now:

Thanks, Dad. I love you.