Going “All In” On The Relationships That Matter

Some of our greatest joys in life come from our relationships with the people around us. So I guess it only makes sense that some of our greatest frustrations can come from those same relationships. And that's where the real test comes in. The good times can take care of themselves. It's really only when there is a disturbance – whether it's with a patient who's unhappy, a staff member with issues, or a supplier you're having a disagreement with – that the true character of a relationship (and the people in it) emerges.

That's why I think the strongest, most productive, most fulfilling relationships are the ones where two people agree on one thing above all else: that the relationship itself is greater and more important than any problem that can intrude on it. When you start from that premise, it colors the way you see and interpret things. Instead of looking for ways to assign blame for a disturbance, you look for ways to work through it together. You don't dwell on how you got into the problem; you focus on how you'll both come out stronger on the other side. That can be a difficult thing to do. It takes discipline and a willingness to see beyond your immediate emotional impulses. It takes leadership and vision.

I've seen the term “relationship” described in a number of ways, but the one that I think captures it best is this definition: an agreement between two parties on a course of action. I think this holds true even for the closest personal relationships, because there always needs to be that clarity about expectations – that agreement between two parties – and that mutual sense of commitment to make it work. I feel that way just as much in my relationships with my sons as I do with my best professional relationships.

Ultimately everything we do in life comes down to relationships. The most talented clinician in the world cannot truly succeed without nurturing a sense of mutual trust with his or her patients. And real success outside the practice is practically defined by the quality of the relationships we enjoy. But how much real thought and effort do we actually put into working on those relationships, so they can sustain us when we really need them? Fair-weather friendships are easy; developing relationships that survive (and even grow) during difficult times takes more work.

Try this exercise: make a list of the most important relationships in your life: list five family members, five friends, and five people in your professional world. Look over those names and think about what you can do to grow these relationships. You may say that you are already giving them top priority – that's why they're on your list—but I bet that once you start thinking about it honestly, and make the commitment to go “all in,” you'll discover ways to make a great thing even better – and that in turn will inspire more “all in” behavior from these people who are so fundamental to your success and happiness.